"I'm sorry"
Why?
"Sebab I you jadi macam ni.."
.....
no.
Sebab I, I jadi macam ni.
I should've listen to myself a year ago.. When I told myself not too fall too hard for you. Now, Look at me. Haha.
A joke.
I don't even give a shit about what day it is.. what date is today.. I don't care anymore. I just want to disappear. I don't care about my studies. I don't care about my health. I don't care about my future..
Future..
The only thing I keep telling my girl friends when they have a boyfriend.
"Jangan imagine yourself bina rumah tangga with him."
But I was speaking to somebody else. I thought I wouldn't be needing it. Now look at you, Teha. Look at you.
This is what happens when you imagine yourself being with him forever. You don't see anything else anymore. Everything's around you, you relate it to him. And now? when things aren't going your way..
You suddenly hate your favorite songs. You suddenly hate everything you used to love. You just want to give up.
Future..
Tell me what do you used to see?
Everything I used to see was a dream I want to be come true. I have motivation and it was him... of course besides my parents and my girls.
But it was true.
I left my bad habits, my friends.. just because I thought I could be with you.. forever.
When I'm studying I always see myself becoming an engineer or architect or anything so I can afford a better life with you.
When I picture myself becoming an engineer or have good money.. I always wanted to treat you better since you did the same. You deserve it.
When I'm studying I always imagine myself graduate and you'd be there.. in a picture where we were together. Just like my mom and dad.
When I see you with kids.. I always imagine you'd be such a great dad to my kids.. Even though I know I hate kids.
When I took care of myself I always wanted to improve how I look so you could love me more..
But..
What the fuck was I thinking. I was just another girl to you. I was just another person for you to buat main-main. I was just...
I don't know.
I guess I'm not that important to be in your life's picture. Dream.. keep on dreaming. Now that I have woken up.. I realized there's no motivation anymore. Nothing to keep me going. Everything I picture myself doing with you.. I pictured you doing it with someone else.
I'm not in it anymore..
I'm just a person that could watch you from far. far far away. 268 Kilometers away.
I still care. I still do love you. But this hurts.
Hurt so much.
Because I was the reason why you became a person you didn't imagine you'd be. I hurt you so much you can't stop thinking about it... So you decided to do the same.
except worse.
I can feel my heart shattered to the point I can't feel my immune system anymore. But it was my fault.
So there's that.. our future.
is gone.
