2018.
2018?
20 fucking 18.
this fucking year. the year of them all.
damn I've been away that long? the last post on this blog was 2016. 2 years? really? Now.. why are you back?
well.. I love this blog. It shows me something. things that I wrote from this blog is actually from me.. to me. How funny it is to discover that I can still relate to what I wrote fucking 3-4 years ago.
Funny.
Now, Teha. You probably wondering why you're here again.. writing blog again? after 2 years gone? lol. Mesti ada something happened kan?
Damn right.
Thank you so much, blog. Thank you for always being here with me when I feel like telling someone about how I feel without getting judged.
Yes, something happened. 18 years old Teha thought what happened to her was painful enough.. well, 18 years old Teha.. here's 20 years old Teha.
She has something to tell you. I know she's 2 years late but she's here to tell you that what you felt during that time was nothing to compared what she felt right now.
Suicidal thoughts are growing in her head. She's scared of herself. She's tired.. emotionally, mentally and physically. She waited for long to feel betrayed again.
She waited long..
for her hearts to be broken again.
She fucked up once...
to have someone that means the world to her, balas balik.
Here's the thing.
When I first met him..
I decided to not write about him.. at first.
Because I thought I want to take things slow. I didn't expect I would fallen in love. for the first time..
Now, 18 years old Teha.. you'd probably wondering what you felt was love. Honey, you didn't love him. Your friends know it. You know it. But you weren't sure. That was the phase of knowing. You were curious. You wanted to know how it felt being with someone.. once you know how it felt.. it makes you realize how stupid being in a relationship was.. And it got you waiting for the right guy to come and hold you..
hoping that he would be there with you and tell you that everything is fine. It makes you feel safe because he was the one.
Now that I'm 20.. I'm still confused. I wasn't sure. I thought I was crawling before I learn how to walk.. that's what I thought.
I got something to tell you, 18 years old Teha.
This is a love story.. a tragic one probably. But she believes in happy endings. But at the same time.. It's complicated. I wanted to write about him in this blog a year ago.. But I wasn't sure about it. I was afraid.
I don't know what I was afraid of.
Maybe.. adulthood? commitment?
love?
I wanted to take things slow. I didn't want to fall for him. I told my fragile heart to not fall for him. I have to admit.. my heart was still healing. The scars from my past relationship was still visible. In fact.. I met this guy at the most ridiculous place ever. The last place where I want to find my jodoh.
Omegle.
I know.
What the actual fuck.. You gotta be kidding me.
Yea.. judge me Teha, do it.
But this guy... He is something else. I don't know what makes him so special to me. I don't know why I fell in love with this guy.
I fell in love hard.
I didn't even expect myself being like this. Maybe I shouldn't even went to Omegle at all. I should've just mereput and I don't know.. mati single kot?
But now it's too late.
How did it happened you ask?
Well..
It was a lonely night. I felt like talking to somebody. I felt like talking to some random strangers. Kat mana lagi nak buat, right? Omegle is the only place I can think of. So.. there I was.
Sitting on my desk. Turned on my laptop. I baru balik from... hantar orang pergi bus stop. Still have my eyeliner on. typed Omegle.com and pressed enter.
I thought to myself.. nak text ke video? Video usually full of fucking perverts. Nak ajak borak memang susah lah. But I don't know why I clicked on video anyway.
And there he was. The first person I got connected to. First. I saw him with his lame ass webcam. dia tengah adjust apa tah time tu.
So I tegur dia.
Me: Hi
Him: Hi
...
Him: wait.. you nampak I ke?
Me: Um.. yea la? you bukak camera kan?
he laughed a little.
Him: first time orang boleh nampak. sebelum ni camera ni tak boleh pakai.
and that was the beginning of our conversation. I still remember our conversation was bland.. nothing special pun. But the whole week..
Every night of the week I went there just to talk to him. Kadang saje je nak cari dia.. I don't know why?
Maybe because his conversation was relaxing.. nothing intimate. nothing thirsty.. it was exactly what I needed that time. I don't want relationship. I just want a plain conversation. I just want someone to talk to. Something nonsense to talk about. And that was exactly what we were having the whole week.
sampai pukul 3-4 pagi..
sampai lah kita exchange number.
exchanged number..
exchange number just so I have someone to talk about nonsense stuff... everyday.
from there he was showing affections a little bit. I can sense his excitement everytime we talk. And I can feel myself getting excited too.
Whoa.. hold on.
Baru sebulan kenal and you're acting like this? take it easy, Teha.
I told myself to take baby steps.. I keep telling myself not to get too excited everytime I talked to him. I'm so going to get hurt.
You still have crippling trust issues and you're jumping into a new relationship? I think the fuck not.
I told myself not to fall for him.. but since we've talked, I waited for his texts every night.
I waited for his texts everyday.
I waited.... for him.
I should've listen to myself. I tried.
So I controlled myself. I controlled how I act when we talk. When I did that I didn't realize I was treating him like shit. Absolute... Shit.
Padahal.. when he told me he got an interview around Klang you know damn well you're going to meet this guy. And admit it.. You're so fucking excited you don't know what to wear when that day comes.
Sampai la one day, dia datang Klang for interview.. and he asked me out.
Um.. this is embarrassing but since nobody is reading my blog anyway Imma just write that down lol.
"Jom makan"
a simple text that says finally dapat jumpa.
a simple text that got me gelabah shower cepat-cepat and do my hair and makeup.
a simple text that got me smiled from ear to ear.
So I went to Klang and picked him up.
"don't fall for him" Says my mind. I kept that in mind. While I was driving I can't explain how excited I was.
I got lost around the area. And I remember you datang kat I. I can feel butterflies in my stomach...
He was wearing a long sleeved black t-shirt, rambut panjang dia lepaskan, naik motor and I saw him..
He parked kawan dia punya bike next to my car. I rolled down the window.
"Hi" we both greet each other. I didn't realize I can't stop smiling. I looked at him...
his gaze.... his smile.....
Damn..
"uh oh" my heart says.
Yknow what? fuck my feelings. Apa nak jadi, jadi lah.
There it goes.. our first time meeting each other. It was hambar. bland as fuck. takda hala tuju. Makan pun dekat food court. But time tu I tak nampak dah all that. All I see was you.
I finally get to meet you. I wanted to touch you so bad..
I remember my hand automatically went to touch your face.. tapi you grabbed my hand and looked at me. that look tho.
that "don't.." look.
I was kind of embarrassed with myself. Because I myself didn't realize I did that. But then I don't know how and what happened..
I tau-tau I dah dekat rumah.. tenung ceiling. thinking of you. baju pun tak salin sebab sayang.. ada bau you.
What the fuck just happened? My first everything.. You.. is all I can think of.
even tho baru jumpa I already miss you..
And since that I knew my heart is all you. I can't deny it anymore. Up until today it stays the same..
No.
It grew everyday. I myself not sure why but I think it's the little things he does..
When he plays "Can't help falling in love" for the first time.. That song suddenly became our song. The title itself speak a thousand words about my feelings for you.
When he stayed up all night just because I minta tolong kejutkan nak study..
When he stayed up all night just sebab nak siapkan an illustration of my face..
it's the little things.
day after day.. weeks after weeks... months after months..
I think I'm deeply in love with this man. If only you could be me so you'd know how special you are to me, Izzat.
But then,
I fucked things up.
